i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
