tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
