I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
