new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
