i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
