dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
