Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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