fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
