I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
