my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
