god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
