Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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