The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
