someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
