Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
