Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
