i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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