At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
