quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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