Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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