hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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