I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I could fuck to npr.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
