Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
