Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
