Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
