Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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