There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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