This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
