This is not my ceiling
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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