I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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