i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need a beard to bite.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
