you win again, gameday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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