she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
