i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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