i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
