No stitches, just platelets and will power
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
