Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
