Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
