I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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