capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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