I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
