My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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