I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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