Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
