my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i dont even know how to be here
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
