He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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