He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
