I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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