if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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