I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
