I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
