I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
